Children & DV (1)

This article is going to give a partial answer to three common questions I get about about children and domestic violence.

How do children get exposed to domestic violence? What are the immediate effects? What can I do to help a child who has been through it?

First-how children are exposed to domestic violence. When domestic violence is happening in a household children experience it in a variety of ways. You can break it down into three categories:

• Indirect Exposure. Some examples of indirect exposure include hearing it happen, hearing about it, seeing property damage, or being asked about it by law enforcement or acquaintances.

• Direct Exposure. This includes actually witnessing it, having their personal belongings such as toys broken, being pushed out of the way, having to call the police, being separated from a parent because of it, being forced to take sides, or seeing pets abused.

• Personal Involvement. Children are sometimes injured or killed in the womb, or born prematurely. Young children may be pulled from a parent’s arms, or hit while in a parent’s arms. Older children may try to verbally or physically intervene by screaming at, hitting or even in some cases killing a parent. In roughly half of abusive intimate relationships, the children are abused as well as the partner.

While some types of exposure may be more traumatic than others it is important to understand that all of these are extremely damaging and have the potential to cause lifelong challenges. In another post I am going to discuss the neurological implications of experiencing DV. For now let’s move on to some observable symptoms that often accompany exposure. It’s important to note that a some of these symptoms in isolation and moderation can be present in normal healthy childhood.

I’ll try to break these into categories as well for ease of reference.

• Relational Symptoms. The child may be withdrawn, may be embarrassed to have friends over, have difficulty connecting with others, be afraid of male authority figures, resistant to physical contact, or aggressive toward others.

• Behavioral Symptoms. This includes creating problems to divert parents, fighting, inappropriate sexual behavior, drug or alcohol use, poor eating habits, being constantly jumpy, truancy, throwing tantrums, crying excessively, or running away.

• Functional Symptoms. Children exposed to DV can have speech difficulties, struggle with developmental skills, or be hyperactive. They may struggle with bed wetting, nightmares or general problems with their sleep patterns. They may have difficulty concentrating. They may struggle to develop healthy coping skills.

• Psychological Symptoms. These internal impacts can be long term and include depression, anxiety, low self esteem, fear, constant state of high alert/arousal, or a sense of guilt or self blame for the trauma.

In future articles, we will explore how these symptoms follow children into their adult lives and the types of challenges that they develop in to.

For now, let me offer a few simple suggestions to those who may be trying to figure out how to help a child who has been exposed to DV.

• First of all, if a child discloses abuse or if you have a reasonable belief that they are being exposed to abuse, you should reach out to child protective services for help and guidance. If you have questions about how to speak to a child who you’re concerned about you can reach out to me with questions.

• Provide them with a sense of safety through consistency if you are in a position to do so. Teachers, Sunday School teachers, grandparents, foster parents, and caregivers are examples of people who have the opportunity to give a child a safe, calm, consistent experience on a regular basis. Even if you only have a child one hour a week at church, creating a stable, consistent experience can make an important difference in the child’s life.

• Listen to them and communicate honestly in age appropriate ways. Don’t make promises you can’t keep but do reassure them that you care about them and be willing to let them express themselves. Ask questions about things they are interested in. Also be willing to listen to them discuss difficult or traumatic experiences they’ve had but don’t ever pressure them to talk about things they don’t want to talk about.

• Help them develop coping skills. For young children this may be as simple as telling them it’s okay to be upset and encouraging them to take a deep breath. For older children it may mean asking them questions about what helps them relax such as taking a time out, writing down how they’re feeling, or exercising.

• Get them involved in something they enjoy and particularly that involves positive peer engagement. Playing a sport, learning an instrument, participating in community service, or joining a club can all be powerful ways to help a child build positive skills and feelings of self worth and connection.

• Help the child’s safe parent. If the parent is in or recently escaped from a violent relationship they need support. No one will impact a child’s resilience more than their primary caregiver. If you are in a position to help that caregiver to heal, remain safe, become stable, or access resources, you may make a greater impact than you could ever realize.

Empathy, honesty, and respect go a long way with anyone who has experienced trauma and children are no different. You can make a difference and there are lots of reasons to be hopeful for healing. Some of the most resilient, courageous people I have ever met overcame abusive childhoods. When I speak to churches, nonprofits, and business teams about DV, power, and resilience, I carry with me a humbling appreciation for the many survivors who have taught me through their own grit and courage that it is possible to overcome.

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